The following short reflection  is one of several in a series to do with the 'art' of relating.  I choose the metaphor of 'art' because it implies discipline and practise.  A violinist doesn't just pick up a violin when she is six and just begin playing. She has to learn the art, practise, perform, review her performance, and then practise some more!  In the same way, in life, virtues and practises which enhance life and relationships do not fall from the sky onto people.  We may be in possession of some skills due to a good upbringing, but there is much we have to learn along the way. "Grow in grace and the knowledge of the Lord Jesus Christ" writes St. Peter.  The following article draws our attention to the importance of a generous acceptance of others in relationships.

I prefer to us the word 'acceptance' rather than ‘tolerance’. This latter word is in wide use in modern society, but I regard as an inadequate word because it seems to contain a somewhat patronising and less than generous element.   It holds back and lacks the fullness and generosity of the word, ‘acceptance’. 

Christian acceptance of others is really modelled on the accepting love of God in Christ towards us, “If God is for us, who can be against us? ,,,, Who shall separate us from the love of Christ?” (Rom 8:31-39).  We are accepted, fully and completely, we are warmly welcomed as far as God is concerned.  When the Prodigal son returned home (Luke 15) he was generously welcomed back by his longsuffering father who fully accepted him and welcomed him back into the home in spite of some pretty ordinary behaviour!

When we fully accept others in this way we allow their full humanity to flourish in the warm glow of our accepting love.  The husband who accepts his wife in this way is making her welcome in his heart and his love.  A wonderful formula for growth and flourishing.  SImilarly, the mother who accepts her child just as he is sets the scene for his growth and development.  I remember talking with a woman whose on child, a son, had Downs Sydndrome, and with tears pouring down her cheeks she said, "Yes, the 35 years have been difficult on occasion, but I love him so much, and he has enriched my life so immensely, I would never want to be without him".  That young man, who could not even speak, was fully accepted by his marvellous mother.

When people are not accepted, when they a grudgingly tolerated, or worse, judged and rejected, then this becomes a formula for resentment and resistance.  No one can flourish in an environment of criticism or judgmentalism. So when an employer is critical of her staff, her behaviour stifles their spirits, and they will become resentful, resistant and disloyal. This in turn will not enhance the profits of her business!  Instead staff will be critical in return, work less hard, be less honest, and often, be on the lookout for a better job.

One of our most basic psychological needs is to be accepted by others, especially our most significant others. When others recognise and value us we feel alive and fulfilled. We need acceptance just as birds need air and fish need water.

The flip side of this is judgmentalism (Matt 7:1-5).  When we judge others we immediately assume a degree of superiority towards them, and we literally imprison them with our judgments. The prison bars are made up of our own opinions and prejudices and they tend to be as inflexible as steel. 

Accepting others sets them free from that prison of judgment as surely as Christ set the woman taken in adultery free (John 8).  It is easy to throw stones at people who have done the wrong thing (though we are more likely simply to throw criticism and judgment in modern times).  It is much harder to move from the superficial function of judgment with all of its airs of superiority, to the practise of acceptance of the other, in spite of their flaws, real and imagined.

One of the wonderful things about early romance and early parenthood (and early almost any kind of positive relationship) is that for a time the relationship is uncontaminated by negativity and criticism.  The other is not taken for granted, but is profoundly appreciated.  The other is fully welcome in our hearts and lives. There is no grudging tolerance, but rather a warm and joyous acceptance of the other.  Couples who can sustain that warmth insulate their relationships from harm, parents provide a wonderful launching pad for their children, friends provide a beautiful warm circle for their friends to walk into.  I have a dear friend, I don't see him very often. but the one thing I am aware of and have always deeply appreciated is his wonderful capacity to be so warmly accepting of me.  I am so grateful for that friendship, it has always provided me with a safe place in the storms of life!

Think about the people in your life, especially the ones you find yourself critical of. People you find it easy to dismiss and reject.  Is it possible for you to begin to rethink your attitudes towards that person, in the direction of a generous acceptance?  I am not talking here about the acceptance of criminals and human 'monsters' - (more about this in another article) - just the ordinary people whom we judge with such ease.  Is it possible that we could learn to let them off the hook of our judgments? And extend to them the warmth of a love clothed in acceptance? And in this way, lift the burden both off their shoulders and outs?

One of the great freedoms Jesus seemed to possess was the freedom to meet people where they were at, and treat them with generosity of spirit.  No wonder the common people 'heard him gladly' - for they experienced from him and through him, the simple gift of acceptance.  Extend this gift to all who you meet or think about today.